Blessed

So I know that there are other events that I have not yet logged here, but I've had this one in particular on my mind the past couple days, so I'll fill you in on the rest of the stuff later. Also, that gives me a chance to find my camera so I can upload some pictures to go with the other events of the week...

I quit my job at Walgreens on Wednesday. It was a difficult decision to make, and I hope that it was the right one.

Ryan and I both have had medical insurance through our work places this year. It's been a little costly, but I think it's been worth it what with all of my doctor appointments. Anyway, when Max was born, we both added him to our insurances, thinking it would be good to have him double-covered until we had time to make other decisions, such as whether I would return to work full-time or part-time and whether or not we needed to keep both insurances.

We have both thought that you could cancel your insurance at any time, and that it was signing up that had to be done at certain times. We decided that if I was going to go back to work, I would go part-time. In working part-time, I would lose my insurance, so I figured that there was no sense in keeping it while I was on unpaid leave because if I did keep it, the money for the insurance would come out of my paychecks upon my return to work. Six weeks of insurance would cost me about a month's salary if I returned part-time. So, I called the insurance company to cancel our insurance on Monday.

Turns out, you can not cancel your insurance at any given time at Walgreens. It has to be done either within 30 days of a life event, or during open enrollment. It also didn't matter if I was returning to work full-time or part-time, I'd have to keep the insurance during the next six weeks until my return and then be forced to have the insurance money taken out of my paychecks. The only way out of it I could see was to return to work now (which I was not and am not ready to do) or to quit.

Another concern I have had lately is Ryan's return to school. I love that he is going to school and that he is on his way to becoming who and what he wants to be, but it is very time-consuming for him. He's decided he wants to go into radiology now rather than psychology, and he needs to maintain a good GPA to get into the radiology program. I believe in my husband. I believe he can do it. But if I were to return to work and he were to watch Max while I was working, I feel it would mean that either his grades would suffer, or Max's sense of well-being and importance would suffer.

See, I'm one of those moms who like to read up on their babies... In my recent readings, I've learned that babies whose cries are not responded to within a couple minutes most of the time seem to feel like they're not important and that what they have to say is not found important by others. This can lead to emotional and psychological problems later on. I know Ryan loves Max as much as I do, but Max needs a lot of time and attention dedicated to him. Therefore, as I said before, someone loses; or, more likely, everyone will lose--at least somewhat.

Also if I returned to work, I would only get to see Ryan for about eight hours a day, one day a week. That also means that we would only have that same amount of time every week for us all to spend some time together as a family.

So we made a big, scary decision--I would quit my job at Walgreens and try to find a stay-at-home job so I could be there to make things better for both of my boys.

And I don't know... Maybe I have underlying, selfish reasons for not wanting to return to work. I probably do. The recent management changes at work were causing me a lot of anxiety and frustration. I was terrified to go back knowing Walgreens is open for holidays--Halloween is on a weekend this year so I was guaranteed to miss Max’s first Halloween, and I was terrified of missing his first Thanksgiving and Christmas, too. I love being with Max all day and I love being with Ryan and Max together as a family. These things are just so important to me.

I know we could make things work if I went back to work. I know that I should go back and that this is probably a very selfish decision for me. I know Ryan knows we'd be fine if I went back to work, too. And I know we both know that my not working is going to take some very, very big sacrifices. But I really appreciate how good Ryan has been about this decision. We both know that it is going to be hard for him to be the bread-winner (he already was, of course, but now he's the ONLY bread-winner) as well as going to school and trying to make time for his new family.

The more and more I think about this, the more I realize how truly blessed I am. I have a husband who is willing to let us try this just for the sake of my happiness and despite my selfishness. The fact that I am married at all still amazes me. When I was younger, I didn't think I'd ever even have a boyfriend, let alone a husband. I didn't think I'd ever find someone who could love me for who I am, or even anyone who would take the time to get to know the real me. I never thought I'd have kids. I thought I'd be alone forever.

But look at me--I am married to the most amazing man I have ever met. And he loves me. I know that he loves me. To have that connection with someone--to know that they really do love you--is an incredible feeling. He loves me exactly the way I am. He lets me be emotional. He lets me make mistakes. He stands by my side, whether I'm right or I'm wrong. He lets me be me. I love him so deeply and am so lucky just to know him.

And now this wonderful man and I have this wonderful little family together. We have this perfect little angel named Maximus who is such an incredible blessing to us. I can't believe how much I love him. My son makes me feel so much more complete. I love his sweet little eyes and how tightly he wraps his arms around my shoulder when I burp him. I love when he holds my finger. I love knowing I can soothe him when he’s crying. I love how connected I feel to him, how much it feels like we are part of each other. And I know I'm lucky to have him in my life.

Diabetics have been told over and over again not to have children in the past. I am so lucky that we have the technology and information we have today. I feel that I am lucky to have diabetes rather than some other less manageable condition. Having diabetes has helped mold me to be who I am today. And I generally like who I am today, so I'm glad that this has been a part of my life.

I am blessed to have my family in my life. My immediate family, my step-families, and my in-laws are all a big part of my life. I love every member of my HUGE family. I may not always get along with everyone. We will always have disagreements. I will be mad at them from time to time. But I do love them and I know they love me.

I look around at all the amazing and wonderful things I have in my life and know that I am spoiled. I have a home. I have a car. I have lots of clothes and lots of shoes. I have a TV, a laptop, the internet, a dishwasher… I have a million things I don’t truly need. And I would gladly give up all these wonderful things for the only truly important things in my life--my husband, my son, and our families. I am so very blessed to have so many people in my life who love and care about me. And I hope that every one of them know that I love and care about them, too.

I know that I am not perfect. I'm not the best housekeep and I'm not the best cook. I make terrible decisions and I know I’m not the greatest at anything--being a wife, being a mom, being a daughter, a grand-daughter, a sister, a friend… But I am so grateful for the opportunity to try. I am so grateful to have all this love in my life.

I am so grateful to be so very blessed.

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- Aubrey